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These are the collected files regarding the menace known as the "Lake Ninja". |
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| This was the sad scene many hot days this summer. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Ninja Sightings | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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For years Bethel was plagued by the Bethel Monster, but a new menace has taken up residence in Lake Urquhart. He is know only as the Lake Ninja and few have seen him. |
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This photo was taken right before sunset in the part of the lake near the beaver dam. At first the photographer thought he was snapping a picture of a beaver, but after developing the film he discovered that he captured something much more interesting. |
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Here is a rare photo of the Lake Ninja locked in mortal combat with the Lazy Tube River Ninja. The legend says that they are actually long lost brothers who had a falling out regarding the Florida Presidential Elections of 2000. As a result one took up residence in the Lake, the other in the Lazy Tube River. |
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Ninja Tales |
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"This one time, I was sitting on the dock, life-guarding, and this crazy, strange and bulbous black head came creeping out of the water, with eyes like red lasers, and this mysterious lake stench fuming from his body. I think some kind of fungus was growing on him, but it was hard to tell. I was about to scream in horror (for a truly brave lifeguard does not seek to save, but rather create fear and havoc when something goes horribly amiss) but he let out this bizarre sort of grunting growling sound and sank back into the deep, murky blackness of the nasty lake water, and steaming bubbles followed in his wake."
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"Oh yes. I remember ...the time the lake ninja snuck all the way up on Skippy during water rodeo in the shallow end. But the time that takes the cake, is the time The Lake Ninja took Floyd to the deep dark underworld that is the bottom of the lake."
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"While I was life-guarding one afternoon, I saw a boy vanish for a moment under water, as if yanked by a subliminal force. He returned to the surface shortly afterward, gasping for breath while simultaneously screaming for assistance, for he had been robbed of Floyd, who was captured by the Lake Ninja. The LNH (Lake Ninja Hunt) of 2006 ensued; wherewith the majority of campers in the deep end set out to apprehend the Lake Ninja once and for all. Although they failed (as any mortal would), Floyd managed to float his fowl self to the top of Lake Urquart at the mercy of the all-wise Lake Ninja." |
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"Once upon a time during the week of science camp, the lake ninja felt left out and mad. You see, people were not including him in all the cool science activities and campers doubted his existence. So with the help of the Mighty Kitchen Staff of the wooden ladle, the lake ninja had them help him with a plot to prove his existence. He called it good ole forensic science. The next day of water rodeo campers and staff saw on the porch a flour, cough, I mean chalk outline of the lake ninja's latest victim. A box of Krispy Hexagon cereal lay nearby accompanied by a few ninja stars. Mr. Rieppie read the note left by the lake ninja aloud at the morning chapel. Campers were awed and Mr. Tom saw that the mighty lake ninja was indeed worthy of being apart of science week. The lake ninja was given access to the fridge to grow whatever he wanted with the left over Chicken Tetrazeni and the Jell-O time forgot."
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"One day, while minding my own business I was viciously attacked by the Lake Ninja. He bit me right... um... under the dock. Ever since that day I have been out to see that he is brought to justice. There is no underwater cave deep enough to hide him from my wrath. One day he will pay. I'LL GET YOU LAKE NINJA!!!" |
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Questions: |
email the Lake Ninja - lakeninja@bethelchristiancamp.org |
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Q:
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oh wow. so ummm i'm just wondering... are you going for global domination, or are you just sticking to the real of good ole gaston, sc?
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A: |
Dear Faith, |
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| Q: |
Do you know tid-bit the sun fish? If so, do you work with him? -Dot, that crazy kitchen girl |
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| A: |
Dear Dot, |
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| Q: |
mr. lake ninja sir, do you happen to have dot's little toe for her right foot? she doesn't know what happened to it and was wondering cause she would like it back soon. (she can't do her foot aerobics without it.) she said if you have it, then just mail it to her at your earliest possible convince, and don't forget to punch holes in the package, it tends to smell after a while. love sarrah |
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| A: |
Dear Sarrah, |
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| Q: |
YO YO
YO Lake ninja, |
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| A: |
YO YO YO
Kayla and Cat, |
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| Q: |
SuP??? LaKe NiNjA |
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| A: |
Bridget, Am I crazy? Let me ask you... did you swim in a lake with a Lake Ninja in it? Who's the crazy one now Bridget?
I sleep under the dock in my underwater cave.
It's quite nice. I'm considering signing up for that show
"Trading Lairs", but I'm afraid that I'd come home to find my cave
all decorated with My Pretty Pony merchandise. Lake Ninjas
don't much care for ponies, especially not pretty ones.
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| Q: |
Dear Lake ninja, I was wondering if you
know the Bethel monster personally, also
when the pirate child was attacked where did he come
from? Also, the hunt of 06 was
unsuccessful because the you are very strong and almost pulled
us and the bait into the water. We always
knew you were you were there, the Bethel staff just kept
it quiet for your safety.
They were
afraid that hunters from across the galaxy would
come and hunt and take you from our beloved lake at
Bethel. P.S. There is is a little bit of Scotland in all of us, be proud. |
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| A: |
Dear Kayla, The Bethel Monster and I are mostly friends. Kind of like me and chili. The pirate child was a camper during "Camp Pirate Child" (a week of camp dedicated to the children of Pirates). My existence is still doubted
by many.
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| Q: |
dear lake ninja, i was just wondering. how do you manage it? i mean, living all summer with crazy kids screaming in the lake and stuff all the time. i mean, i could totally understand stealing floyd. i also wanted to know, what's your ultimate goal in life? is it to see how many toes you can bite? if so, do you count by number of feet or actual toes? just interested. a great fan of yours lizbet, kitchen person/JC |
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| A: |
Dear Lizbet (if that is your real name), What can I say... I love kids. Adults just don't scream and freak out when you surface unexpectedly. I really did feel bad about the whole Floyd thing, that's why I gave him back.
My Ultimate Goal in
life? Hmmm. Lately I've thought of going back to school
and becoming a Neurologist. After reading some of the case
studies done by Taubb and Ramachandran I just can't stop thinking
that I've missed my real calling. This whole toe biting thing
just started on a whim. I've never really kept track, but the
number of toes that I've nipped is quite considerable. Thanks
for your interest. I look forward to seeing your feet in the
lake next summer.
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| Q: |
Dearest lake ninja,
I have a ? for you.
If you live in the lake how can u type
emails to us?
Im PreTty sure they do NOT have water
proof computers.
Kailey .Columbia,SC
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| A: |
Dear Kailey,
You
are right when you say that 'they' do NOT have waterproof computers.
'They' do not, but we ninjas do. It's very complicated, but I
won't take the time to explain. You are not a ninja so you
would not be able to understand Ninja Technology. Truthfully,
most non-ninjas would seriously hurt themselves and those around
them if they even attempted to think about Ninja Technology.
For example, if you were to try and use my waterproof DVD player
that I just bought from NinjaMart there is a good chance that you
would wake up in the hospital and not have any eyebrows. I
wouldn't even want to think about what would happen if you got
within 5 feet of my can opener. Thanks for the question Kailey,
I look forward to dunking you next summer..
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| Q: |
Dearest
Ninja of the Lake region, I have recently grown tired of your Totalitarian behavior, with regards to the Lake. I propose a Battle. You and me to the death. Maybe now you can have your three minutes and thirty-eight seconds of fame, you pathetic toe bitter. See you around. Your Pal, Land Pirate |
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| A: |
Dear Land Pirate,
Please ask whoever typed that letter
for you to read this one to you.
Thinking that a Pirate could beat a Ninja is like thinking that
there is no resemblance between Kim
Jong Il and Kid from Kid 'n Play. I believe that 3 min.
and 38 seconds is 3 seconds longer than you can hold your breath, so
please shower before you attempt a battle in my lake because I'd
hate to expose the sunfish to your Pirate essence as you sink
beneath the miry depths of Urquhart.
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| Q: |
Dear Lake Ninja,
Late one night
I was walking back to my cabin when a dark and unseen force
bestowed a wedgee upon me that was of biblical proportions.
I am aware that you are a ninja and that you prefer to work
alone as any halfway decent and self-respecting ninja
would. Is there a possibility that the recent heightening
in Koala related crimes at
Bethel could be at fault for my
traumatizing mishap that painful night? Let me know because
the Koala crime wave has plagued
me before and the worst part is that the
Panda bear investigators didn't do anything to help
me out. Thanks lake ninja.
Mike .Columbia,SC
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| A: |
Dear Mike, Consider yourself lucky to have survived this horrid attack. Koalas may look 'cute', but they can be quite vicious. They are often frustrated by the fact that they have an unusually small brain, with about 40% of the cranial cavity being filled with fluid, while the brain itself is like a pair of shriveled walnut halves on top of the brain stem, in contact neither with each other nor the bones of the skull. This often results in a desire to watch excessive amounts of 'Reality' Television with sometimes disastrous and violent results.
As
for your disappointment with Pandas... A panda walks into a
café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds
to fire it at the other patrons. |
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| Q: |
Dear Lake Ninja,
Lately I've noticed your popularity among Bethel people, and it's started to bother me. Why don't I get a website too??? I haven't seen you in a while. Maybe we should site down and have a nice chat. How does tea with the beavers and Sunny the Big-headed dog sound? I could even get croissants. And why do I look like a hippopotamus on your website?
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| A: |
Dear Al Gore,
You
will have to think of another way to trick me into meeting with you.
For the last time, I have no desire to see your movie. I
honestly could do with a little Global Warming (the lake gets a bit
chilly in the winter).
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| Q: |
Dearest Lake Ninja,
I will heed your warning against lethal ninja electronics, thank you for the tip. I will continue to interrogate you though for I am extremely curious how the lake ninjas live. First, Why do you bother emailing us- don't you have anything better to do like plan on which toes you are going to bite this summer?! Second, are there other lake ninjas? Do you have little lake ninja buddies, are there ocean ninjas, or bayou ninjas? I hope you don't find my questions nagging. Love Kailey Columbia.SC |
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| A: |
Dear Kailey, In answer to your first question: The whole 'toe biting' thing is more Improv than planning. And no, I really don't have anything better to do since they quit airing Star Trek re-runs. In answer to your second question: We have a yearly convention in Conshohocken, Pennsylvania every March. The Ocean Ninjas are pretty cool to hang out with, but I can't ever understand a word the Bayou Ninjas are saying.
I
don't find your questions nagging. I find 'Hillary for
President' speeches nagging.
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| Q: |
Dear Lake Ninja,
We (Cat and I) have a question for you. The Lake Ninja hasn't been showing up as often as he used too. Many are beginning to believe it's just that weird guy named Tom. We know you exist but where are you? We saw you in The Bethel Enquirer, but we haven't heard of any toe nipping lately. Even though Cat was not wholly present during Science Camp she and I telepathically communicated. She sent Ashynne, Julie, Mark, Chase, and myself in a hunt for you. You were never there. WE MISS YOU LAKE NINJA!!! COME BACK!!!! If you don't then we'll hunt you down and make you. Be Afraid, Be very Afraid. We aren't normal, Cat, Dot, Julie, Chase, Mark, Ashynne and I are very different. You have been warned. kayla the Scottsybear and Cat the REAL ninja |
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| A: |
Dear Kayla and Cat, Sorry to have been absent so much this summer. My work for the Ron Paul campaign has kept me quite busy. I hope to be more active next summer.
I believe you when you say you aren't normal.
I believe you.
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